H!GGY December 8, 2022 No Comments
One of my best friends hugs my wife goodbye.
One of my best friends hugs my wife goodbye.

It’s been busy here for the last several days with lots of Lara’s family and one of my best friends visiting the ranch.

Things have been progressing for Lara as expected. I thought I would be readier for all of this. But I am not. Is one ever truly prepared for this inevitability? I contend no. But we stand and face what comes our way nonetheless.

She has pressure sores requiring regular supervision and so far, aside from the hospice nurses themselves, I am the only person with whom she is comfortable enough to permit to check and/or change the bandages. She still prefers the nurses do it and I give her that dignity as much as I can. She’s earned it.

Her pain is pretty much managed these days. She even reported to me a few mornings ago that her pain was zero. I don’t think she’s been able to say that since early May and even then it had to have been sometime after she’d finished her radiation treatment in March. The tradeoff is that she sleeps. A lot. One of the hospice nurses told us she thinks of this as “Nature’s Gift” because the medicine helps slow her body down so it’s not registering so much pain while it prepares for the end.

Last Tuesday I made the decision to get a hospital bed from hospice for her. The night prior I woke up to her having helped herself out of bed. She was unsteady on her feet and I watched feebly as her head and eyes rolled backward and she stumbled and fell. I leaped from the bed to her side in an instant and she assured me she was okay, just scared. Fortunately, her knees buckled at the last instant and she plopped straight down on her bottom rather than toppling over. Had it been the latter, an instant could’ve been too late. I couldn’t risk her falling and hurting herself. Moments later when I was helping her on the toilet she apologized to me for scaring me. This woman has not even a drop of selfishness. Always concerned for me.

I explained my decision to her later and told her it would help the nurses tend to her and make it easier for her to get into and out of bed. She looked down in loving understanding and then met my eyes and said, “And prevent me from falling again.” I nodded at her, “That’s right. To keep you safe.”

Fast-forward to last night in one of her moments of wakefulness and she is confused about the bed, its placement, and why we can’t get into “our bed together” and why this bed can’t be wheeled into our room.

Though overwhelming at times, it’s been great having so many family members here to be with Lara. Furthermore, it was great to have my friend Don DuLac here for a few days. He brought a lot of joy and levity into the house. He had us all laughing to the point of tears. At least I was laughing that hard at times. In fact, he had me feeling so good that I was able to get people laughing too. I can’t remember the last time I gave anyone a good belly laugh with my jokes and impressions. Another close friend told us that he hopes Lara witnessed these exchanges and understood that I’ve got a great support network and that I’ll be okay and that it helps her through her final days. After all, she told her dad soon after her diagnosis that she isn’t “afraid of dying. Just afraid of leaving the love of my life without the love of his.”

But, alas, he had used up all his jokes and Don left this morning. He asked Lara if she had time for a 20-second hug and she did. I watched only long enough to get this picture of them. A best friend was saying goodbye to my girl as she lay dying and she was able to give him a lot of comfort in that embrace. I couldn’t continue watching. Partly because they deserved their moment without an audience. Mostly because Don wasn’t the only one doing his best to hold his shit together while holding her. I had shit of my own to focus on.

Thank you, Don. I’ll keep practicing the guitar. You do the same. And come up with some new jokes FFS.

Yesterday marked four years since our first virtual date. It was also a full moon (the Cold Moon). Lara had told me several times that maybe she would still be around for that anniversary. I think she intended for that. She’s strong!

I love you, Lara. My heart is overfilled while it also breaks. Thank you for loving me, and for showing me true love. These have been the best years of my life.

Originally shared on Facebook.

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