A year ago Lara rang the bell signaling that her treatment for breast cancer was complete. She was eager to finish that chapter and begin a new one, rebounding back into health and adventure. Gage was eagerly counting down the days until she returned to Georgia with us. We all were. My countdown was shorter than his, but I didn’t rub it in. I would be flying to Healdsburg and driving across the country with her. We took a more leisurely route and spent time in Provo, Utah with some surprisingly progressive people. After that, we visited friends in Colorado Springs and Albuquerque. We stayed at a nice Airbnb in Little Rock.
We took that trip in April and the rebound proved harder for her than either of us realized. By May she was already having extreme pain and blood in her stool that Urgent Care struggled to identify the source of. In June we got a pancreatic cancer diagnosis. The rest of the story you all know.
What you may not know is that the bell that was in St. John’s Cancer Institute in Santa Monica, California is not unique to that facility. Northeast Georgia Medical Center in Gainesville, Georgia has a similar bell. It’s right beside the elevator where family and loved ones can see it every time they’re coming and going. I wasn’t intentionally being cynical, but I knew that was a bell that Lara would never ring. When she finally left the hospital, I did my best to make sure she didn’t see it.
I’ve heard the question bounced around about whether you’d want to know when you’re going to die. To give you time to say your goodbyes. I can attest that there is something wonderful about maximizing your remaining time and seeing friends and family once more before you go. But even after everything I’m not sure I want to know when I’ll clock out. It didn’t take Lara being terminal for me to cherish her. We loved each other fiercely even before we knew just how few were her remaining days.
And even though we had time to prepare for the end, I wasn’t ready. Despite her discomfort and the fact that sometimes I felt like her living another day was an injustice (she suffered even in her grace), I would never have been truly ready. I encourage you all to be prepared. Not ready. Just prepared. If that means you have soul work to do, get on it. Been dreaming of a trip or a career change? Make it an active goal and get on it. Do you have friends you want to reconnect with? Have you been meaning to do a will or an estate plan? GET ON IT.
I like to think that Lara’s legacy is one of honesty. When you’re alone and you ask yourself tough questions, are your answers honest? Are you doing everything you can to maximize your days? If not, what’s holding you back? If so, great! You’re ahead of the curve. But if your convictions are anything less than absolute, then you may be absolutely squandering your time.
Lest I sound too Pollyanna I want to acknowledge that there can be real obstacles to fulfilling your deepest desires. I get that. But I suspect some of us still get in our own way. Maybe that vacation to Mars is unrealistic. But if it’s travel you’re seeking, there are lots of other places to visit. I hope you’re all living rather than just existing.
